KIEL, GERMANY (BBC) - Today Cardinal Ross Douthat, archbishop of American Catholic converts who have enjoyed nude swimming sessions with William F. Buckley, found much to praise in "the New Germany", and especially the spirited gymnastic performances put on by the Kriegsmarine's Youth League, which he described as "an achingly beautiful example of the athletic possibility of taut young bodies, freed from the tyranny of liberal democratic decadence."
Cardinal Douthat, who once proudly wrote of his refusal to engage in sexual congress with a "chunkier version of Reese Witherspoon", said that America's aberrant and sexually misguided youth could learn a great deal from their German counterparts.
"In Germany, I have not seen a single instance of same-sex kissing, or any sort of popular approbation of lesbianism," said Douthat during a tour of a homosexual reeducation camp. "The same cannot be said of the United States."
The Cardinal's tour, in addition to visiting some of the controversial "reeducation centers" for gay youth, took in a number of North German hotspots, from Hamburg's Red Light District (the Cardinal disapproved, though not so much as to cancel his visit), to Peenemunde, where he praised the "throbbing virility" of the rocket program, to Kiel, where, after saying Mass and consuming a carafe of Communion wine, he fraternized with the brawny young sailors of the Kriegsmarine, dancing to the strains of "Ich Hatt Einen Kameraden" until the early hours of the morning.
His visit was very popular with the sailors. One, who would give his name only as Klaus, expressed surprise at the Cardinal's dance moves, and his physical affection.
"I am a Protestant, so I thought that Catholics were the worst. But not Cardinal Douthat! He kept refilling my rum glass, and said over and over again how my thighs seemed to ripple -- he kept using that word, 'ripple' -- through my dress whites."
Though Douthat's tour has been criticized by some, others, such as businessman Joseph P. Kennedy, aviator Charles Lindbergh, and famed 'radio priest' Fr. Charles Coughlin, have expressed support for the Cardinal's German trip.
"We consider Douthat one of our own, and if we can't be trusted, who can?" asked Kennedy, by telephone. He excused himself to go down the hall and see if any of his sons' girlfriends were awake.
Douthat, who was born Rieko Kamurov, writes a column for the New York Times, and is widely known in that city as a roaring asshole.
He could not be reached for comment at press time.
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